Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
