Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
