I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
