I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
