So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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