So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
