That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
