My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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