If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
