I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
