When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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