She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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