dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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