didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
