How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She needs sedatives and a leash
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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