Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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