Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
