Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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