I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
