So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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