Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
