Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
