Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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