I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
