dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
