Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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