If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
