can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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