After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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