One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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