awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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