You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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