you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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