where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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