I smell stomach acid.
barbara walters just said penis...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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