i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
