good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
