South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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