i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
where are you?
Hypothermia
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
