He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
