i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
how drunk are you?
Several
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
