Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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