for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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