We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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