i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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