I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
