I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
