I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
