Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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