I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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