I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
