3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
