My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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